i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
did i just pee glitter
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
