My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize