Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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