I don't usually arrange sex via text message
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
