I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
