My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
