O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Randomize
