I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
So apparently I’m into choking now
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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