Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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