Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
