I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
