An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
