I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
