my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
