Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Randomize
