my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
