We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
