Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
