I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
