A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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