If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
