i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize