I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize