just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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