Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Randomize