dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
