Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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