So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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