Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
