Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
