Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
he thought i was a dude.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
