tell your sister to shave her snatch
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
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