If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
