I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
