Best friends brother. Beat that.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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