Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'm too high and old for this...
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
