why didn't you poke me back
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
