This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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