I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
