Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
