I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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