THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
