Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Randomize
