I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
