Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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