found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
