Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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