he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
organizing the empties. That sober.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
