I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
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