I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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