Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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