tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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