I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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