All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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