If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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