ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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