Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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