I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
