I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
