can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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