Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
