I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize